Graduating without a ceremony is kind of bizarre. There’s an endearing feeling of completion. Finally being able to put something worthwhile behind your name. M! P! A!
If you’re from a background like myself, there’s a feeling of finally being worth something. Generations of folks worked so that you can be where you are. They worked hard, gave up on some of their own dreams and in turn you get to live yours. I hope that, so far anyway, I’ve made them proud.
But, there’s also an emptiness. Like getting out of a 5-year tumultuous relationship with a significant other. The crazy number of people that I’ve met and may never see again, haunt me. The twists and turns that I’ve taken leave me with an unending “what if?” The feelings of love, loss, and betrayal have left scars unhealed. My soul is sundered.
It’s here that I got fired for the first time. But, also here where tons of people came to my rescue when I had nothing. Here I earned my first hard A and felt that surge of excitement. Here I first accepted a C, not because I didn’t care about the work, but because I cared more about learning than the work. There are so many experiences and feelings mixed together that they’re hard to parse out. And, I think ceremonies are good for that. They give folks a place to feel everything within a space that honors them. Within all of the grandeur and spectacle is somewhere safe to just feel. I guess that’s why so many people cry at graduation.
“The best thing about finishing is the time off,” said one of my closest friends. “You could float on by for the entire spring and no one would really judge you.” They were right, It’s nice to have the time off. But, it doesn’t feel like I’ve stopped working. There’s work to be done, and no one else can do it.
I’ve enjoyed a short break ushering in the new year. Now I’m enjoying sitting and focusing on things that I love.
- I have two poster presentations to finish this week for CUNY Games conference on the 22nd.
- I’m excited to apply for a ton of ACUHO-I internships, keeping current, practicing interview skills and hopefully continuing to help students over the summer.
- I relish the opportunities I have to give back to my communities through committees and briefs for organizations.
- I’m reading a writing every day, and finally getting through a few of these 100-hour+ RPGs on my list.
But, I have goals that need tending to also.
- I want to have real content out and available to people. (Writing scripts this week!)
- I want to lose some weight and run that 1/2 marathon! (Already signed up, and I can walk a 5k!)
- I want to climb a mountain! (Maybe over the summer?)
- I want to get someone thinking and have good conversations. (Twitter here I come!)
- I wanna go on cute dates to tea shops and smoke hookah with close friends. (Oh boy, talking to people T_T)
- I want to watch each of my brother’s graduate.(Volunteering!)
- I want to promote the craft of studying games and build connections between
- Student Affairs Theory. (Posters Incoming!)
- … and most of all I want to be in sunny Irvine studying with some of the most brilliant folks on earth. (Fingers Crossed)
I want to make generations of my family’s work worth it.
And I want to give future generations a beacon of hope.
But, “Wanting something does not give you the right to have it.” -AC2